How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
