So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
