Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
