you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
