No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize