i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
