Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
