Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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