the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
