this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
