My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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