Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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