ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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