Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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