I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
