the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
