If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize