I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
