You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
