True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
NoShamevember. You game?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
