Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
