I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize