tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
