yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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