doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
