Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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