I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
