Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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