I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
