i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
