not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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