he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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