never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
