rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
