At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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