every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
