Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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