somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
