she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
