I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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