Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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