the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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