nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
