he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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