how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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