he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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