Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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