Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ttyl tear gas
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
