woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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