WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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