I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
