You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
