Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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