I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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