I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
