You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
