Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
