i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
