I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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