Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
