I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
