She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize